Full Circle
by Mst2006
Summary: At the Captain's funeral, Elliot wants to pick up where he left off, but for Olivia, they did not leave off in a good place.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This is a reboot of my original story. Now that I am comfortable writing fanfic, I realized this, my first story, needed a reboot. The chapters were way short, and I wasn't happy with the flow. Not much has changed except now there are fewer chapters because I combined a few.

I don't own these characters. If I did, I'd have writers doing this for me.

 _Italics_ represent people's thoughts.

Chapter 1

Olivia knew today was going to be tough. Donald Cragen was not only her boss for 16 years, he was also a father figure who kept her in line and always watched her back. When he left, she was happy for him. Cruising around the world with his lady. He earned it. They kept in touch since his retirement; and her son Noah adored him. Today, he was being laid to rest and as his successor and current CO of Manhattan's Special Victim's Unit, she was expected to make a speech. Tough was an understatement.

As she was checking herself in the mirror, she sighed as she realized with the summer New York humidity, straightening her naturally wavy hair would be pointless. She ran her hands through her shoulder length locks a few times and as she turned away, she smiled to herself when she heard her son screech with delight.

"Uncle Fin!" cried Noah as his sitter Lucy opened the door to Olivia's oldest and dearest friend, Detective Odafin Tutola.

"My man!" Fin said as he threw Noah up in the air much to the little boy's delight. Olivia watched from her bedroom doorway. Funeral or not, Fin always knew how to pull himself together and his suit today was no exception. Hopefully, Noah wouldn't spit, spill, or otherwise ruin the dapper look.

"Liv, we don't want to be late!" he shouted over his shoulder.

"Then you'd better stop playing and get a move on", Olivia teased as she appeared behind her two favorite men grabbing her purse.

"Momma loves you angel. Be good and have fun with Lucy!" she said as she hugged her baby and kissed his head goodbye.

There was no church service, just a graveside gathering. Gathering was an understatement. It seemed as if every cop that ever walked into the 1-6 for the past 40 years appeared at Cragen's funeral. Her favorite ADA's and very good friends Alex and Casey were sitting side by side. Brian Cassidy had his eyes on Olivia. After all, he still had feelings for her and he really respected Cragen. She will always love Brian. John Munch was seated just behind Liv looking little weather worn but still as tenacious as ever. Olivia's old partner Nick Amaro flew in from California. As Olivia thought of her old partner, it wasn't Nick who she saw in her mind. Since the news of Don's passing, she wondered if _he_ would show up. After all, Cragen was his boss before she even joined the unit. She tried to put it out of her mind. If Elliot didn't come back either time Lewis took her, why would he show up for the funeral of a man he had no contact with for almost six years?

As the commissioner finished his eulogy, Olivia took a deep breath. She was next. Although she had written everything down and practiced, she suddenly felt it wasn't good enough. She would speak from the heart, just as she always did. As she exhaled, she looked all around. She's had a strange feeling for the last 15 minutes that she couldn't quite identify. She chalked it up to the many emotions of the past few days.

Standing in front of the crowd, Olivia recounted some of the best times the squad had at the 1-6. "Don kept a fold away bed in his office. I'd never seen him use it, but it was kinda comforting to know it was there" Olivia decreed. "I can't count how many times the captain caught me snoozing at my desk or passed out in the cribs after a 36-hour shift."

She held her tears at bay as she described the late-night talks and all the times she was called into his office. Needless to say, as part of the famous Benson and Stabler pair, getting called into Cragen's office was not a rarity.

"You can say that again!" exclaimed John making no attempt to keep his voice down. Olivia met his eyes and smiled. Benson and Stabler surely kept Don on his toes.

As she was getting ready to wrap up, she froze. That weird niggling at the back of her mind intensified until there—the feeling she hadn't felt in almost six years. It was indescribable, but she knew exactly what it was. A pull. Like a magnet from her heart to another. She always knew when he came into the room. It wasn't his footsteps nor his cologne, but this pull before he even said a word. That pull was her safety net until it was gone. Until _he_ was gone.

Olivia stopped speaking, unable to form words. She had the crowd's attention with her abrupt silence as they stared and began whispering to one another. Olivia scanned the crowd as the feeling became stronger. Her heart was beating out of her chest and her eyes started to glisten with tears she had yet to shed but she frantically looked all around. No, not in front of her. There, coming up behind her. Olivia whipped around almost knocking over the podium and sending her unread notes flying in the slight summer breeze.

Her brown eyes had found their matching set of blues. Behind her at Don Cragen's funeral stood Elliot Stabler.

As he stood at the edge of the cemetery, Elliot spotted Olivia immediately. She never blended in, she was born to stand out. He marveled at her as she sat between Fin and Munch; with her legs crossed like that, her black dress came up her thigh showing off those legs that went on forever. Nineteen years and she was as beautiful as she was the day he first met her and he took his time perusing her body. Her hair is longer, she is a bit curvier, and despite all the horrors that she has witnessed, she still exudes a strong confidence and trust.

"My Liv" he thought to himself as she walked up to the podium. Although he had intended to stay in the background and just pay his respects to Don in the end, as soon as Olivia got up to speak, Elliot felt the need to get closer. He knew he would be able to hear her words despite the crowd and no microphone. Hell, he would be able to hear her whisper above a hurricane over the Jersey Shore as if her voice were the only sound in the world worth hearing.

She was so graceful while she was speaking of the good old times at the 1-6. Those who knew them were smiling and nodding along, others were just happy to hear fun stories from the people who knew Don best. Elliot knew the moment she knew he was there. He was so glad that after his six-year absence, that connection was still as strong as ever. He watched as Olivia straightened her back and held her breath. He was behind her, but he knew that her eyes were quickly scanning the crowd and she had stopped speaking.

"Breathe Liv" he thought to himself when he noticed she hadn't taken a breath in a few.

Suddenly, she whirled around, and their eyes met—chocolate brown to icy blue. Her eyes always spoke volumes and today was no different. Elliot saw sadness, anger, and was that fear? Why would Liv be afraid of him?

"Breathe Liv" he said giving voice to his thoughts when she still just stood wide eyed and slack jawed. "You need air, or you'll pass out."

"Who's that?" asked Amanda Rollins as she leaned over to speak to Cassidy. Not only did Rollins notice Liv's reaction to the man, but she didn't miss Brian's reaction either. He sat with his fists clenched and his jaw set, staring straight ahead.

"Stabler", he mumbled.

"That's Elliot Stabler?" Amanda said in awe. "Wow."

Amaro heard their conversation. "Why is Liv just standing there? I would deck him for how he left and now showing up like this..." Nick remembered how bitter and withdrawn Olivia was when he was first partnered with her. For months he would notice the dark circles under her red, puffy eyes and short temper. She refused to get personal with him no matter how hard he tried. Fortunately for him, she was Olivia Benson and she ended up being his best partner ever and a very good friend to boot.

"Give her time" interjected Fin as Munch smiled. He knew his baby girl was in a bit of shock and very emotional for many reasons right now.

"They don't call her Badass Benson for nothing" replied Munch. They all knew Liv would never cause a scene at her captain's funeral.

Olivia heard him telling her to breathe but air was not forthcoming. _Breathe?_ What the fuck was he talking about? Olivia's mind was racing a mile a minute as she tried to focus. She would not embarrass herself (although she subconsciously knew she was doing that right now). _Say something!_ she screamed in her head, but her chest was so tight. She remembered this exact feeling the moment Cragen told her that Elliot handed in his papers as she walked into the interrogation room. The feeling of trying to keep up the façade of calm and control while falling apart on the inside. At least then, she had an escape; a moment by herself but she was at the captain's funeral for Christ's sake. Suddenly Elliot was right beside her turning her around and she felt his fingers press lightly on her lower back. First his fingertips, then she felt his hand flatten. Tips, flat, tips, flat and she found herself taking short breaths in each time she felt his fingertips, out when she felt his flat palms. In, out. Damn him.

After what felt like a lifetime but was probably just a moment or two, Elliot moved slightly passed her and up to the podium.

"You're probably laughing it up right now aren't you?" he asked as Olivia noticed his eyes not on her or the crowd, but on Don's casket. This remark elicited some polite chuckles from the crowd who knew their history. The rumors were rampant back in the day. It gave her the ability to refocus. She knew what Elliot meant. Don would be enjoying himself at this reunion had he been witness to it. He knew they wouldn't, no couldn't stay apart forever. But six years of silence _was_ forever and damn it, he didn't get to do this to her. Not here in front of everyone. Not after all this time.

"Back up Stabler" Olivia said as she regained control of the podium. Elliot obediently stepped back.

"Detective Benson" Elliot replied waving her forward.

"Lieutenant" she corrected with a cocked eyebrow and a smirk towards her colleagues as she noticed Elliot's eyes widen and his eyebrows shoot up his forehead.

"That's my girl" whispered Fin and Brian at the same time.

The entire cemetery stood at attention shortly after Olivia finished her eulogy. Elliot had waited behind her at the podium and now stood between her and Munch but neither said another word. In fact, Olivia was steadfastly avoiding even looking in Elliot's direction. As a veteran and former police captain, Cragen was honored with a three-volley salute. As the first shot rang, Olivia flinched, and Elliot returned his right hand to her lower back. As the second shot rang, she took a deliberate step to her right, into Fin. After the third shot, the bagpipes began playing "Amazing Grace" and Liv was leaning heavily into Fin's side, while he wrapped his arm around her shoulders, still looking straight ahead. Elliot let his arm drop down at his side. Then he and Liv hung their heads, a lone silent tear cascading down each of their cheeks.

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	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

As the mourners began to leave, the squad of the 1-6, past and present lingered. The cemetery was packed and since they were all the way in front; it was easier to stay than try to fight their way through the crowd.

"Lieutenant, a word if you will?" asked Chief Dodds as he approached.

"Of course," replied Olivia as she moved away leaving Elliot frustrated. He just needed to speak with her, and he knew she would understand.

"Elliot, glad to see you're alive and well. We had our doubts for a while when no one knew where or how you were. Especially Olivia, but no hard feelings man" said John as he shook hands with Elliot and went in for a shoulder pat.

"Thanks Munch" he replied. "Good to see friendly faces, under the circumstances."

"Dude, you're kidding me, right?" Fin addressed Elliot with a scowl. "You have no idea how your leaving affected her.

"….wait" he said as Elliot was about to interrupt. "Whatever shit you were going through man, she didn't deserve that. Not from you."

"We had to watch her self-destruct because you all but destroyed her." Nick had to chime in. He's been waiting a long time to meet the famous Elliot Stabler and give him a piece of his mind for Liv's sake.

"Who the fuck are you?" asked Elliot as he began to turn red. "You have no idea what you're talking about."

"I'm her partner…" answered Nick before he was abruptly cut off.

" _I'm_ her partner" interrupted Elliot.

"No. You left without a word and when you did, you gave up any rights you think you may have had to her" Nick was about as angry as Elliot.

"Okay, this is neither the time nor place for a punching match." John stepped between the two former detectives whose hands began to curl into fists and faces were getting redder by the second. "We are at Don's funeral, show some respect. Although, I can't say this isn't entirely unexpected. Cragen was waiting for this for as long as we have."

Both men stepped back. "You're right. I just want to talk to Liv. I don't want to cause a scene or disrespect _anyone"_ Elliot said looking pointedly at Amaro.

"Well I think Liv should have a say in that," said Fin as he saw Olivia was watching from her conversation with Dodds.

Olivia was so glad for Dodds' interruption. She needed a few minutes distraction before confronting Elliot, not to mention she was surrounded by her squad; her nearest and dearest friends, her family. She didn't want to be put on the spot or cause a scene, especially not here, today. Unfortunately, she had no idea what the chief was talking about because her attention was on the gathering that she just left.

"So, I'll expect to see those forms on my desk on Tuesday then Lieutenant" Dodds said.

 _Forms? Ummm, shit what forms were they_? "I'm sorry Chief, could you say that again please?" _Focus Olivia_ she kept a little mantra going in her head.

Chief Dodds knew there was something more to Olivia's distraction than her former captain's funeral. As he looked at the small gathering nearby, he saw what she saw—one very angry man getting ready to deck an equally angry Amaro.

"Do I need to step in there, Lieutenant?" he questioned Olivia.

"No sir, I'll handle my squad thank you" she said as she began to walk away, all thoughts of forms forgotten.

"I walk away for two minutes and the chief is ready to chew some ass for a potential fight! At Don's funeral nonetheless!" Olivia tried to keep her voice calm while letting her irritation and authority through clearly.

"Sorry Liv, I just want to talk to you. Can we get a coffee?" Elliot asked.

"It's Lieutenant or Olivia, please don't call me anything else. And I don't want a coffee, or food, or anything right now."

Elliot knew she would be upset at his appearance here today, but he didn't expect the hostility he was feeling radiating off her. "Okay _Olivia_. Can we just talk? I need to…"

"No" she answered before he was able to continue.

"No?" Elliot questioned as he looked her right in her eyes. He couldn't read her, not now.

"What do you want Liv?" asked Fin pointedly.

"I just want to go home please Fin. Can we?" Fin put his arm on her back and began leading her away.

"Li.., Olivia!" pleaded Elliot as she got further away.

"Come on, let's go get that drink" said John, leading Elliot away in the other direction before anyone else was able to say a word.

As soon as Fin drove out of the cemetery, Olivia let out the breath she had been holding for who knew how long. She kept her hands curled into fists on her lap. She knew her nails were leaving marks on her palms, but the pain kept her focused. Fin drove in silence. That's what she loved about him; he wouldn't fill the beats with idle chatter. When and if either had something to say, they would say it, honestly.

It was Olivia that broke the silence. "Fucking Elliot!" she said shaking her head.

Fin glanced at his longtime friend without fully turning his head. He knew she was putting on a brave front. He also knew she knew she didn't have to in front of him, he didn't need to remind her. If she were to break, he would pull over and let her.

"You really didn't think he'd show for the cap's funeral?" He wasn't accusatory, just probing.

"I…I" Olivia had to take a couple of deep breaths. "Who called and told him? How did he get the info for when and where? If he got that message, how come he didn't…" She trailed off not wanting to complete her thought.

"Honestly Baby Girl," Fin said. "I don't know who was able to get hold of him. Munch and I tried three years ago but it was like Elliot fell off the face of the earth." It was true. When Lewis abducted Liv the first time, there was no question whether or not to bring Elliot in on the search. No one, aside from Fin himself, would be more dedicated to finding her. No one knew her better. No one cared more. But when he couldn't be found, Fin began to believe as Olivia did, that last part wasn't true anymore. Not after her utter abandonment. "Now..."

"Now, what?" She wasn't really asking him a direct question, so Fin didn't respond until he doubled parked outside of her apartment.

"What can I do?" he asked. Never, "are you okay?" because Liv was perpetually fine.

Olivia shook her head as she stepped out of the car. "Just be you Fin."

Before she had a chance to walk away, Fin was out of the car with his arms wrapped around her. "Always" he said hugging her to him.

Without even realizing it, Olivia latched herself to Fin with a death grip on his suit jacket. She was shaking but that was her only outward sign of distress. Of course, Fin said nothing, just held her. After composing herself, Olivia pulled back and held Fin's face in her hands.

"Thank you!" she said and gave him a peck on his lips. He nodded as he watched her enter her building.

"John, ya gotta help me out here" Elliot pleaded. "I know I was a shit for leaving but I didn't expect the _hostility_ from everyone!"

"Elliot, we could all understand why you left. Really, even Liv. She wasn't happy, but she was able to piece together a plausible reason. She may have been deluding herself, but whatever got her through, you know? You shot a kid and a lot of the time there is no coming back from that." John was sympathetic towards Elliot but like everyone else, he watched as Olivia practically drowned from his departure. Of course, she was hit the hardest and that rippled throughout the close-knit squad.

"We go back a long time my friend but come on Elliot! Do you really expect her to throw her arms around you, cry on your shoulder, forgive and forget? It's Liv!"

Elliot wasn't exactly sure what he was expecting. He knew he would have to grovel and talk, but she had to _be_ there to let him. Talking is something they didn't do well together. Often things were left unsaid, they just knew. That wasn't going to work this time.

"John, she was able to move on and I am so grateful for that. I just need to talk to her. I'm sorry. Thanks for the coffee but I'm heading over to her apartment. The timing may be bad, but we've waited long enough." Elliot stood but John grabbed his forearm halting him in his tracks.

"She no longer lives there Elliot." Munch furrowed his eyebrows behind his sunglasses as he took in Elliot's bewildered expression. "Seriously, wherever you've been wasn't there any cable news channels? Internet? You really have no idea…"

"What the hell John?" Elliot's anger and chagrin were immediately replaced with concern for his partner. "Olivia loved that apartment. She owned it free and clear there's no way she would move. What is it I don't know?" He made no move to sit back down, but he didn't move to leave either.

Munch was torn between his loyalty to Liv and the fact that he knew the man standing in front of him was more than her partner and obviously lost. "If she wants you to know anything, she has to be the one to tell you. In order to do that, I agree, you need to get her to talk." John scribbled an address on a napkin. _Please forgive me Olivia_.

It was an emotional morning all around so once Olivia got back to her apartment, she was grateful to have her little boy in her arms. Noah brought such joy to her life at a time when she didn't believe there was any joy left in the world.

"Lucy, I..." It was her plan to take her son to a playdate this afternoon, but she had to admit to herself that she needed some calm and quiet. The captain's passing, having to give his eulogy, and of course, Elliot showing up the way he did. She always thought if he ever came back, she would either run into his arms and beg him never to leave again or use her right hook against his jaw before giving him a good piece of her mind. She hoped the latter would be the action she actually took, but she never thought she'd just freeze. She almost had a panic attack right there in front of hundreds of people! Luckily, she was an expert at compartmentalizing.

"You look like you could use a nap Liv," Lucy joked. She has seen Liv through some rough spots, very late nights, threats to her own life as well as Noah's but she respected her employer and felt almost like family. "How about I take Noah to Zach's house and you can relax a while. I have a date tonight so I will have him back in time for you two to have dinner together."

Lucy was a godsend. Liv stood up and hugged the young girl. "Thank you, Lucy!

Elliot had been standing outside Olivia's door for the last 25 minutes. He noticed this new building had a doorman. He loved the idea of more security for her, but he was a little disappointed when he was able to just walk in after a young woman was trying to wrangle a little boy before he ran into the street. The kid was cute, but he was obviously a handful. Finally, he knocked.

Olivia had just finished pulling her favorite t-shirt over her head when she heard a knock. She cut her bath short when her neighbor called to let her know he'd be dropping off a package he signed for. She tried not to spoil Noah, but his birthday was coming up and she already started ordering his gifts. She quickly stepped into her most comfortable striped pajama bottoms and ran her fingers through her hair as she opened the door. Unfortunately, she didn't stop to look through the peephole.

Elliot was taken aback as Olivia opened the door as if she was expecting someone. _Jesus,_ he thought. Her wet hair was cascading past her shoulders in haphazard waves and her face was free of makeup, but she was as striking as ever. He loved this look. Natural. Beautiful. Liv.

"Hi." That was the only thing he managed to say before her fist connected with his jaw sent his head flying hard to the right. _Shit that hurt_.

 _Shit that hurt!_ Olivia grabbed her right fist with her left hand but expressed no emotion other than anger. How the fuck did he find her?

"I deserve that, and more" Elliot managed to say as he rubbed his jaw. "Still a badass I see." He knew he shouldn't be joking right now but damn, he missed her.

"Are you okay Olivia?" asked an older gentleman as he opened his door across the hall. "Do I need to call the police?"

"I'm fine Mr. Richmond. Nothing I can't handle, and I am the police, remember?" Olivia kept her eyes on Elliot and her voice as even as possible even though she wasn't sure if she wanted to cry, yell, or hit him again.

"Well, I'm here if you need me. Oh, here's your package sweetie" declared Mr. Richmond as he held a brown box towards Olivia. Elliot broke eye contact as he stepped back and took the package with a nod towards the older gentleman.

"Thanks Mr. Richmond" she replied and waited for her neighbor to close his door. Taking the box from Elliot, she shot daggers from her eyes. "How did you find me? No, you know what? I don't want to know. Just go home Elliot." She stepped back to close the door when he threw his hand out to stop her.

"I don't have a home to go to." Elliot's head dropped and his eyes stared at the floor in the hallway. Their instinctual connection was shattered, by him. He needed to talk now if he had any shot at making her understand. "Kathy died over three years ago."

"El…" She was definitely not expecting that. "I, I'm sorry."

He had to look up. She sounded so surprised of course and so sincere, Typical Olivia; always putting the feelings of others ahead of her own. He met her eyes and held her gaze for a moment before she stepped aside signaling for him to enter.

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	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

She couldn't leave him standing in the hallway; not after that revelation. Kathy had died? He owed her an explanation and she was going to give him the chance. Lucy and Noah would be out until dinner, so she felt that was enough time to get started at least. She would make sure Elliot was long gone before they got home. This was his time to talk, his secrets to share, his guilt to unload, not hers.

Olivia stepped aside giving him entry into her "new" apartment. From what he could see, it was much bigger with a very open floor plan but instead of heading further into the apartment towards a couch, she led him directly into her kitchen. She sat right down at the table; no offer of a beer, water or comfort. Elliot knew this was her way of keeping control over the situation and her emotions. He knew it wasn't going to be easy, but she was, is, his best friend and he wants her back. He wants her to be more.

From his seat, the only thing he could see was Olivia and the fridge behind her. It had some kids' artwork attached with magnets and Elliot briefly wondered how close she got to some of the kids on her cases recently. He loosened his tie. "Aren't you going to offer me a beer?"

"I don't have any" she replied. She didn't keep alcohol in the apartment since Lewis, some wine when she had a special occasion and guests, but she wasn't about to go into those details now. "Elliot what happened? You wanted to talk, so talk."

"Li, Olivia" Elliot sighed as he remembered that she didn't want him using her nickname. He knew he had to earn back the right to use it again and to do that, he had to do what he came here for. "Munch said you understood why I left."

"You shot a child Elliot, she died in your arms. You needed time, of course I understood that. What I don't understand is why you left without a word. You just disappeared. For weeks! Then months, then I stopped counting. I called, I texted. Hell, I even stopped by but nothing. Why did you shut me out of your life?" Olivia got up and turned towards her fridge while grabbing her dishtowel from the counter. "And don't feed me any bullshit about how I would talk you into coming back." She filled the towel with ice for her hand. Elliot really did have a stone jaw.

He watched her carefully as she sat back down to ice her hand. He couldn't help the slight smirk that swept across his face. He quickly corrected himself. His jaw hurt as well but he wasn't about to complain about it so he continued talking. "I went numb. I remember every detail of that night; every sound, every smell, every panicked feeling that I had. As soon as Jenna went limp, I knew she was dead, and I looked at you and saw my reflection on your face. I knew you felt almost everything I did holding onto Sister Peg's body. _Almost_. It wasn't you that took the shot." He whispered the last sentence and had to look away from her then.

Olivia knew what he was feeling, exactly. The details were permanently etched into her memory as well. Her fear of what he was going through was prevalent every time she allowed her mind to drift. "Elli…"

He held his hand up. "Just, let me…The dark…" Elliot shook his head. No matter how many therapy sessions he's had it was still difficult for him to express his feelings. Anger, yes. Rage, absolutely! Vulnerability? Rarely but she was his Liv. He was sitting here talking to the one person that knew it all; the only one who could really help him deal and he left her. He had to find the right way to explain so he began again.

"I went to a really dark place. When I said I went numb, that doesn't even begin to. Although I remember that night, I can't recall a single moment of the days or nights that immediately followed. Kathy, my kids, they kept their distance at first, giving me time I suppose but once I was cleared by IAB, Kathy finally confronted me. She was terrified that I had spiraled so far down a hole that I'd never be able to claw my way back up. That's the first night I really remember."

"She asked me, 'What do you want to do El?' Simple question after all, I was free to move forward. I remember thinking what a stupid question that was. ' _What did I want to do?_ ' I had no clue! I wanted that little girl's life back. I wanted to remember your face without Sister Peg's blood splatter and the fear in your eyes. But I knew none of that was possible. There was no going back. Not to work, not to you, not to any semblance of the life I had before Jenna. Kathy just waited: for an answer, for a tirade, for an absolution." He brought his hands up and shrugged his shoulders. "She waited for almost 30 years so when I finally looked at her, at my wife I knew what I had to do but…"

Elliot had gone quiet as Olivia just watched him. She leaned forward on the table but didn't dare speak.

"Kathy took my hand and that's when I started crying. It was terrible really. I tried to talk but it came out as a choked hiccup and then the sobbing just took over. Shaking, screaming, grabbing at my hair so I wouldn't use my fists against anything. I couldn't stop. Kathy was shocked. She didn't know what to do so she just held my head against her for what seemed like hours. I'm not really sure how long I kept on for, I just know I was able to breathe again after a while. I was exhausted because apparently, I hadn't been sleeping either. The nightmares I do remember since they continued for quite some time. I fell asleep right there cradled against her and slept through the night for the first time since the shooting. Actually, I slept for almost two days." Elliot finally looked back up at Olivia who sat staring, the ice forgotten and melting on the table.

Olivia felt for him. She understood his pain better than anyone because it was her pain too. They were her nightmares, her fears. Not just her own memories and experiences of that day, but the worry and fear for Elliot. The countless calls, texts, even visits. She wanted more than anything to be there for him. Maybe not the same way as Kathy was, maybe, but definitely as his partner, his confidante. She could have helped him and therefore helped herself. Now, all these years later, she just sits in her kitchen and listens.

Elliot eyes were no longer fixed on Olivia's. In fact, he seemed engrossed in the nuances of her kitchen table, tracing the marble pattern with his fingertip. He continued. "Ya know, lots of time is fuzzy, hell I don't even remember talking to IAB. You'd think I'd remember Tucker coming down on my ass more than he normally did." A faint smile left his face as quickly as it came. He fell silent once again.

"It was a clean shoot. Tucker wasn't on a phishing expedition and he wasn't on the warpath either. So many witnesses, iron clad evidence. IAB was more interested in missed security—how a teenage girl was able to carry a loaded weapon into a police precinct. New procedures are in place…" She didn't continue. She wasn't sure exactly what Elliot knew, if anything at all, about her recent relationship with the man who did his best to make their partnership hell. Although they were no longer together, Tucker still held an important place in her heart.

"Well, that's good at least." He answered noncommittedly. "Anyway, I couldn't just sit around in a fog for the rest of my life, but I couldn't bring myself to go back to the precinct either. My personal gun was kept in my locked dresser. I was looking for something and there it was, and I froze. I couldn't touch it. I just stared at it and started sweating, shaking. Kathy closed the drawer and called Huang. He was the last person I wanted to see. You were the only one I wanted to talk to. When he got there, I got so angry at him that I think he was seriously considering having me sent away for a bit. I needed a therapist who would be truly objective; either take sympathy on me allowing me to continue to wallow and stay in my personal hell or kick me in the ass and help me move forward. Honestly, I didn't care which, but Kathy did. We found one, in Chicago. Not being able to touch a gun kinda killed my career as a police officer, so I put in my papers. I thought retiring would be the single hardest decision I would have to make but I just knew…so we moved. Been there ever since." He finally looked back at her and held her gaze.

Chicago. Hundreds, if not thousands of therapists in New York and he had to go to Chicago. Olivia felt a flash of anger return. "Why didn't you…? Two words Elliot. A return text, an answered call, a shout through the door, a fuckin rock through the window! That's all you had to do. No matter what, after 13 years standing by your side, it's the least I deserved. Two words, 'I'm done'. Kathy could have said them, sent them. Instead, I've spent the last six years in silence thinking that you were either dead or blamed me!" Olivia's voice got steadily louder but her eyes remained focused and her body steady, at least on the outside. "And now what, you show up at Don's funeral, tell me your wife is dead and I'm supposed to what? Throw myself in your arms? Tell you how sorry _I_ am, and all is forgiven? How did you find out anyway? Fin said he and Munch couldn't find you a few years ago so how did you know when and where the funeral was?"

Words. They were never good with words, unless they were meant to wound each other. Olivia still had that knack, but Elliot didn't rise. His therapist really was quite good, instead he just answered her question calmly.

"Do you know Brockman in the pension commission? When I was a beat cop I did him a favor and we remained buds. When I filed my paperwork, he was surprised that I was moving. He thought I'd live out my days as an ardent New Yorker. He retired himself last year but when he heard about Don, he thought I'd want to know and gave me a call." It was then that something Munch said earlier popped into his head; something about not reading a paper or the internet. "Olivia, why were they looking for me?"

"Everyone was looking for you, you ass" she replied icily.

"No. I mean yes I'm sure but after a while you all stopped. You said they were trying to locate me just a few years ago. Why?"

Olivia was not having _that_ conversation. She sat and studied his face before taking a breath and changed directions. "If you came here looking for forgiveness Elliot, you needn't have bothered. I let go of my anger and forgave you a long time ago."

Elliot touched his jaw and glanced towards her hand next to the ice pack. Olivia followed his gaze and then met his eyes. They both chuckled.

"You gotta admit, you deserved that."

"And more" he admitted pensively. "Look…"

"Stop." she said holding up her hand. "I would always tell people that I wasn't afraid of you because I knew there was absolutely no way that you would ever hurt me. But that wasn't entirely true." Before she could finish, Elliot stiffened and interrupted.

He was so flustered and couldn't believe she was afraid of him. She actually thought he could, that he would hurt her. "How could you say that Olivia? I would NEVER hurt you. Not once…how…?"

"But you did" she continued forcibly, effectively pulling him from his thoughts and stopping his rant before he got going. Silence fell between them.

"Elliot, no, you would never raise a hand to me, that was never in question. It was why I was always the only one who was able to diffuse you—nobody else knew you the way I did. But if you pummeled me into the lockers it would have hurt less than your leaving the way you did. A physical bruise would have feelings behind it; a reason for the outburst but utter abandonment…that was heart crushing." Olivia couldn't believe she admitted that, but if therapy taught her anything, it was to admit her feelings and let them go.

Elliot, for his part, was speechless. Abandonment. He never thought of it that way, but she was right. He was an ass and although she said she forgave him, he would never forgive himself now.

"Ya know, I think it's time for you to go" Olivia suddenly stood up and walked towards the front door. As she opened it, she noticed Elliot was not right behind her. He was still sitting at the kitchen table with his eyebrows furrowed. She knew she hit a nerve and although their conversation was far from over, she was exhausted, physically and emotionally. "I have plans Elliot, and you need to leave."

It was her tone that brought him upright once again. As he walked towards the door, he tried to read her, but she was steadfastly avoiding locking onto his gaze. "We're not done here Olivia. We still need to talk."

"And we will. It's been a long day. Goodnight Elliot."

He vowed to himself never to deny her anything so with a nod, he walked through the door and quickly turned around to ask when, but Olivia's protective instincts were finely tuned, and she had the door closed before he could take a breath.

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	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Olivia leaned her forehead against the door after closing it on Elliott. He had turned around to say something, but she just couldn't. She couldn't believe Kathy was dead. She couldn't believe he actually showed up at her apartment. She really did need to find out who gave him this information although she had a feeling she'd be having a long conversation with Munch. Somewhere in the back of her mind she had to admit that she knew he would come to pay his respects to Don. The man had looked out for Elliott for two years before Olivia joined SVU and then he looked out for the both of them in ways that went above and beyond just being their superior officer. Together they probably gave him an ulcer; apart they probably gave him angina. She smiled at the dynamic the squad once had—truly family. So she stood, leaning on her door knowing he hadn't yet walked away.

"I'm sorry" she heard from the other side.

"Me too," she said faintly. Whether he heard her or not she didn't know because she finally heard his footsteps move further away before the elevator dinged. Sighing, she made her way to her couch, flopped down and stared up at the ceiling. _Now what?_

As Elliot walked over the threshold, he really wanted to know when, and if, they could see each other again. When he turned, Olivia had quickly closed the door. _At least she didn't slam it in my face,_ he thought as he leaned his forehead against the door and braced his hands on the frame. That was not how he expected this visit to go. He expected her anger, even her right hook but he didn't expect to feel like this. He knew he hurt her by leaving the way he did, but she was strong, she was Liv. His Liv was surrounded by people who loved her like family and who would take care of her as such. Never did he expect Olivia to feel abandoned, although now that he considered it, he knew she had abandonment issues. In her mind, everyone she loved left her and now he was just another name on her list of disappointments. She said her heart was crushed and he knew _he_ was the one who caused that pain.

"I'm sorry."

"Me too" he heard from right on the other side of the door not realizing he spoke aloud. He should have known she wouldn't have walked away easily. He couldn't lean against her door all night, so he forced himself to turn away from her, again, and head back to where he was staying at Maureen's house. When the elevator door opened, he once again had to jump aside for the young lady from downstairs stull trying to wrangle her little boy. This time though, the little cutie was a filthy, sweaty mess and he looked like he was in full tantrum mode.

"Excuse me" she said but as she made to exit, the child's feet accidently kicked Elliot's arm. "I'm so sorry! He wants his Momma. Are you okay?" She kept apologizing and looked a bit overwhelmed at the moment.

"No worries" Elliot assured her as he smiled, entering the elevator and hit the button. He thought to himself that if she was the nanny, she more than likely wanted the kid's momma also. He watched the young lady struggle to get out her keys as she approached Olivia's door. Before he could form another thought, the elevator doors closed and he started to descend.

Today seemed to meld into a week in Olivia's exhausted mind and it couldn't be over fast enough. She practically fell into bed after midnight. First, there was the funeral of the man who was her father figure even after he retired. Then Elliott's appearance right in the middle of her eulogy, just as she was trying to hold it together. Impeccable timing as always. Of course he couldn't leave her alone so he drops by with the bombshell revelation that his wife of over thirty years just up and died. Well, maybe not "up and died", she still didn't know what happened. But he didn't seem to have any clue about her life since he walked out of it either. She wasn't sure if that made her feel better or worse. Did he not care enough to keep tabs, or did he care too much and couldn't bear not to make a clean break? And to top it off, Noah was more than a handful. She suspected he was attuned to her emotions these last few days and unlike her, he was willing to let them out in any way he could. His dinner ended up on the floor, his bath gave Olivia one of her own, and getting him to sleep took twice as long.

Even after such a harrowing day, Olivia couldn't calm her thoughts. Her body was dead weight, but her mind was in a frenzy. Elliot may have been able to sever ties, but she was never any good at letting things go.

"Shit" she mumbled as she grabbed her phone and dialed the once familiar number. He must have still been awake also because he answered on the second ring.

"Hello?" he asked tentatively causing Olivia to remember that he didn't have this number. After Lewis, she got a new address, new phone, new everything.

"Hi." _Hi? That's all you've got to say is hi?_

"Is everything okay?" he asked, always looking out for her well-being.

"Yeah, I, umm…look Elliot, I know today didn't go the way you expected but you caught me off guard on a very bad day and…"

"Liv, stop." Elliot interrupted aware that he reverted back to using her nickname. "You have nothing to explain or be sorry for. This is all on me. Can we just..can we talk the way we used to?"

They didn't use words to communicate and that was more than half the problem, but she didn't feel the need to point that out right now. "Nothing is going to be the way it used to Elliot, but I'm willing to give talking another try. How long will you be in town?" She still couldn't wrap her head around his living in Chicago.

"I have no immediate plans. Eli and I are staying at Maureen's house in Massapequa. It's summer, there's a pool and a boat and he's in Heaven. Plus, finally being hands on with all the kids is just what I need so I'm here for the duration."

"Kids? As in plural?" Olivia questioned. Her life certainly changed in six years but what could Elliot be talking about 'finally being hands on with the kids'? He still referred to his kids that way, but Olivia had a feeling that's not what he meant.

"Yeah, my grandkids. Maureen has four-year-old twin girls and Kathleen has a three-year-old son. Skype doesn't allow for hugs and hi-fives, so Grandpa is on duty for as long as we are here, and Uncle Eli is relishing his superiority over the young ones."

"Grandpa. That's great El." Olivia couldn't miss the pride and happiness in his voice, and it made her smile.

"Look, why don't you come out. After the tongue lashing I received when I got back earlier I know for a fact that the girls would love to see you again. We don't even need to talk, not a single word; just come see the girls and meet the kids. I'll even see if Lizzie can make it out. Have lunch in the backyard, enjoy the weather." In his ears, it sounded like he was begging and quite frankly he didn't care. He was wearing trench marks into Maureen's guest room carpet from pacing so heavily.

Olivia knew she would really love to see the girls and of course, meet Elliot's grandchildren. He was opening himself up to her after shutting her out for so long. At least with a house full of people, discussions wouldn't get deep or heated and Noah always enjoys playing with kids his own age. Noah. Elliot still didn't know about him. Did she even want him to? She knew deep down of course she did, but she couldn't allow herself to get attached and risk breaking when he left again. She certainly would protect Noah's heart at all costs. Why was this so hard? It's fricken Elliot for chrissakes!

"Olivia? Are you still there?" she heard him say as she realized she was silent for so long he probably thought she fell asleep or hung up.

"Yes. Okay" she responded.

"Okay as in you'll come for lunch?" he questioned. He didn't think it would be this easy after the afternoon they had together.

"Text me the address" she said as she hung up.

The ride had taken much longer than expected due to summer beach traffic and thankfully Noah had fallen asleep. They were due for a very busy afternoon and the quiet gave her time to gather her thoughts. Olivia sat in her car outside Maureen Stabler's house for the last ten minutes. She supposed Maureen was no longer a Stabler and she realized she had no idea what her last name was or about any of them; not anymore. When Elliot shut her out, she didn't think it right to meddle with his family and they didn't contact her either. She had to learn to live without him, without all of them and of course, she did. She was thriving professionally, she became a mother all on her own, and although she just came out of her relationship with Tucker, she knew she could have any man she chose, _if_ she chose. What she needed to figure out was, why was she here? Was it to take him back into her life and if so, in what capacity? He was no longer a cop, but he was her best friend for so long that she couldn't remember a time before him. Was she here for closure or just curiosity, to fill in the past six years?

"Where we momma?" Noah's question forced her back to the reality that she was indeed sitting in a car outside Maureen's house.

"Sweetie, remember? We're here to see my friends. They have a pool and they'll be other children for you to play with." She explained as best she could this morning in order to prepare him for today. She didn't like to disrupt his schedule or just spring things on him. He laughed when she showed him a photo of her and Elliot that was taken for one of their undercover assignments. They were both making goofy faces at the camera.

"Swim, Momma!"

"Okay baby. Let's go."

Elliot was in the pool with Eli and his granddaughters. Lizzie had Kathleen's son on the edge with her while Kathleen and Maureen were milling about. His son-in-law had just started up the grill after getting complaints from the kids about waiting so long to eat. Elliot kept glancing towards the glass doors as if his mere willpower could make Olivia walk through them. When she didn't show up on time, he had a brief moment of panic. _What if she changed her mind?_ He paced between the deck and the kitchen, looking up at every car he heard drive by.

"Dad, chill. Check the traffic. She's probably crawling on the parkway." Since when did Kathleen become the voice of reason? But he did check and sure enough, all roads coming out from the city were lined with red so he jumped in the pool where he would wait.

When no one answered the doorbell, Olivia walked around the house and through the back gate. She was expected after all, so she let herself in. She stopped in front of a small table laden with paper products and chips and she just took in the sight before her. Elliot was up to his neck in the water with Eli standing on his shoulders. She could hear him explaining how to do a proper dive. Kathleen had the misfortune of being on the receiving end of the resulting splash as her little boy started screaming from being hit with the water. Lizzie was shouting as well as she tried to dry her phone on the towel she just begun to lounge on.

"Are you Olibia?" She was brought out of her revelry by the high-pitched voice of a mini-Maureen and her carbon copy.

"Yes, I'm Olivia. What's your name?" Olivia leaned down towards the girls who both had the trademark Stabler blue eyes.

"I'm Sabrina."

"I'm Charlie."

"Oh my goodness! Olivia, you made it!" Maureen exclaimed as she came out of the sliding doors followed by a man Olivia assumed was her husband.

As soon as he heard his daughter's exclamation, Elliot hastily jumped out of the pool and grabbed his towel as he practically ran over. Olivia didn't get a chance to say another word because just as she opened her mouth, she was interrupted.

"Who's that?" asked Sabina (or maybe it was Charlie?) The girls had come around the other side of the table as the rest of the Stablers finally made their way over.

As Olivia straightened up, she noticed Elliot furrow his eyebrows in response to the girls' question. Noah had wedged himself behind her legs as soon as they stopped at the table and heard the commotion from Eli's dive. She had to awkwardly maneuver her body to reach back and pick him up.

Not looking at the girls who asked the question but right into Elliot's eyes she said, "This is my son, Noah. Noah, can you say hi?"

Their gaze remained locked as she heard her son say, "Hi Ewiot" and try to disappear into her neck. The smile that spread across Elliot's face instantly released the tension Olivia didn't realized she was holding in her shoulders.

Elliot came around to the other side of the table. Olivia hadn't introduced him by name, so he knew she prepared the kid ahead of time. He, however, was taken by surprise but tried not to show it. "Hi Noah. Welcome." He reached up to ruffle the little boy's hair, earning him a smile in return. He heard Olivia let out a small chuckle of relief.

"Look Nathan, another little boy to play with." Kathleen had made her way over with her son in her arms. "It's so good to see you again Liv" she said as the women embraced as best they could holding two little boys.

"Oh Kathleen, you have no idea! Look at you! Hi sweetie" Oliva said as she greeted Kathleen's son. Maureen welcomed her next, introducing her husband Jack. Lizzie brought up the rear giving Olivia a very warm-hearted hug.

"We're starving. Can I get Noah some mac and cheese?" the youngest Stabler girl asked, holding her hands out towards the little boy. Noah immediately threw himself at Lizzie which shocked Olivia.

"Mac and cheese, Momma. Yes?" he asked.

"Of course, baby, anything you want. Go with Lizzie, I'll be right here." Everyone walked towards the food table leaving Oliva alone with Elliot. "Sorry we're late. Traffic…" She had no idea what to say so she faltered.

Before Elliot was able to respond he was nudged to the side by a very tall, blonde, thin nine-year-old whose face was permanently etched in Oliva's mind from his moment of birth. "Do you remember me 'Livia?"

Olivia couldn't resist. She stroked her chin, furrowed her eyebrows, and leaned back in thought. "Umm, I'm sorry, are you a neighbor?" Elliot stood behind his youngest shaking his head with a grin.

"No, I'm not a neighbor. I'm Elliot Stabler!" he responded indignantly.

"Excuse me young man. But I know for a fact that the man standing behind you is Elliot Stabler. Are you misrepresenting yourself? You do know that I am a police officer don't you?" Olivia was laying it on thick.

"Mis-rep…I am Eli Stabler. Elliot is my father and we have the same name. Tell her dad!" Eli pleaded looking back at his father.

Elliot raised his hands in mock surrender as Olivia burst out laughing at the look on his face. Eli immediately realized he was being played and marched away mumbling under his breath. Elliot took that moment to take Olivia in. She was wearing a short sleeved coral dress that fell just below her knees with flowered flip-flops. Her toes were painted the same color as her dress. She noticed him staring and cocked an eyebrow. "Thanks for coming" he said still smiling.

"Thanks for the invite grandpa. The kids are adorable."

"Speaking of kids, that little man of yours…" he trailed off wanting to ask about his father but knowing it was not the time nor place.

Olivia's smile widened. "He's my whole life. I"

"Hey Liv!" Lizzie interrupted, walking back holding Noah's hand. "Umm, Noah's trying to tell me something, but I can't quite understand. I've already asked him to 'say it again' like three times but, I'm still not getting it and he's getting a bit upset." She looked truly apologetic, but Olivia was nonplussed.

She bent down to Noah's level. "Honey, what were you trying to tell Lizzie? Can you tell her differently?"

Noah looked up to Lizzie, who promptly took her cue from Olivia and squatted down. "I want a hot dog but, muthard yucky and no bun pweez."

Lizzie smiled. "I hate mustard too little guy. Hey Mo! One plain, bun-less hotdog please!" she shouted across the patio as she shooed Noah in her sister's direction. "I'm sorry Liv."

"Don't be. His speech has surpassed everyone's expectations already. When I first got him, he was behind in so many ways. The horrendous conditions…he was underweight, had severe breathing issues and they told me he was "developmentally delayed." He was shuffled from foster home to foster home and he needed stability; plus, he was just too damn cute! I'm happy to say that he is a perfect soon-to-be four-year-old. He has speech issues and asthma, but nothing holds him back." Everyone could easily see the pride and love Liv had for her little boy, but she couldn't believe she revealed so much so quickly! _First rule of interrogation: never volunteer information!_ Not that she was defensive of Noah, more protective but she knew that was ridiculous in present company.

In describing Noah's "issues", Olivia inadvertently answered Elliot's paternity question. "Liv, I'm so happy for you. I always knew you'd make a great mom."

Lizzie chose that moment to quietly slip away as Olivia just stared at Elliot. "Thanks" she said. "Um, a plain, bun-less hotdog actually sounds great about now." Elliot started laughing as Olivia's stomach grumbled right on cue.

The day went by so quickly. Lunch turned into dinner and now that the sun was beginning to set, everyone was relaxing around the fire pit. Noah and Elliot's grandkids got along as if they knew each other their whole lives. The kids spent the day alternating between the pool, the swing set, and the sandbox. Liv spent the day catching up with Elliot's girls. Kathleen's boyfriend was a Marine which made Elliott very proud. He was deployed 7 months ago and due to come home again in another two. Meanwhile, she was studying for the upcoming bar exam. Maureen has been a stay-at-home mom but will return to teaching in the fall once the twins will be in school full time. Her husband was an IT for a textile firm downtown. Lizzie just completed her degree in psychology and has been interviewing for a position as a school counselor.

"I see that Dickie isn't here" Olivia asked tentatively.

"He took mom's death hard. He left home, school, and all of us. He's working as a life guard right now just trying to figure things out" Maureen explained. "Lizzie is the only one he'll speak to. We still can't understand why though."

"I'm so sorry Mo" Olivia offered. "Really."

"Did Dad tell you what happened? He said you talked but he didn't say how far you got. Six years is a long time." Maureen questioned as her sisters joined them.

"No. Yesterday was rough with Don's funeral and then your father shows up literally out of nowhere. I thought he might but ya know. Then he just arrives at my doorstep and causes me to bruise my hand!" Olivia started absentmindedly rubbing her knuckles as she stared into the distance.

"Liv, what do you mean?" asked Kathleen.

"I kinda punched him in his rock-hard jaw when I saw him standing there" she said sheepishly. The girls gave a quiet chuckle. "I knew from the moment Don told me about his retirement that if I ever saw him again I would either hit him or hug him. Reflexes chose the latter. As I got ice, he told me about his struggles after the shooting and moving to Chicago. That's where we ended it."

"You obviously didn't say much because Dad seemed surprised with Noah. Speaking of, what do you say we put the kids to bed? When Nathan comes over, the kids usually have a slumber party in the basement and of course, Noah is more than welcome. By the looks of things, none of them are going to put up much of a fight." The ladies looked towards the fire pit where Jack and Elliot were telling stories to some very overtired children. "You have a long drive but if you start back now, it'll take twice as long. If you stay, Noah will be out cold when you put him in the car and traffic won't be an issue."

Olivia knew traffic back to the city would be a nightmare. With Maureen's offer, she could make Noah comfortable and enjoy a pleasant ride home. Also, she didn't want to end her conversation with the girls. They seemed willing to tell her about Kathy and offer a different view of Elliot's behavior after the shooting. She also had questions of her own regarding their actions, or inactions as it applied to her. "That would be great Mo. Thank you."

As the moms walked over towards their children, the cries started. The twins refused to move out of the chair. Nathan kicked and screamed as Kathleen picked him up and walked inside. Noah rubbed his eyes. "No home Momma! No home!"

"Sshhh my love. How would like to have a sleepover? Wouldn't that be fun?" Noah immediately settled down. Liv knew that he would probably be asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow, but she made the experience sound so enticing that the girls immediately ran inside to get ready with Noah on their heels.

She was right. By the time the kids got cleaned up and in their pajamas, Lizzie was only halfway finished with the story before all four little ones were in dreamland. Eli was playing on the game console and the adults all grew quiet.

"Liv come on, you haven't seen the best room in the house!" All the adults stood to join. "Uh-uh gentlemen. It's mom time" Maureen said as she grabbed Olivia's hand and began to drag her out of the room.

Elliot was so glad today went so well but he didn't have a chance to get Olivia alone. She never even got in the pool. He loved how much she loved his girls and he knew the feeling was mutual, so he gave a warm smile as he met her eyes before she was led out of the room.

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	5. Chapter 5

A/N: I must apologize. All I wanted to do was UPDATE the chapters in preparation for continuing the story. Evidently, I ended up deleting several chapters and screwing up the reviews. I've taught kindergarten for almost twenty years and my computer knowledge doesn't extend far passed playing youtube on the smartboard!

So all my readers, I am sorry for any confusion. If you have previously reviewed this story and it's telling you otherwise, keep trying, I'm working on it!

Chapter 5

A week ago, Olivia never would have believed she'd be on an improvised "girls' night" with the Stabler children. Well, obviously they weren't children anymore but the ladies she's sitting with now have been in her life since they were just little girls. Today was such a good day. Noah had an absolute blast with Elliot's grandchildren and the rest of the family treated him, and her, like, well…family. She watched the girls interact the same way they always did—with the kind of sarcastic banter and love only found in sisters. Elliot constantly had his eyes on her, but he never encroached. When he asked her to come out, he said they didn't have to talk, and he wasn't pushing it. Truth is, Olivia really wanted to talk, but she was reluctant. She still needed time to adjust and really figure things out in her head. 6 years of blame, anger, guilt, and sadness couldn't be undone in an afternoon.

They moved into Maureen's sun room, which also doubled as a craft room, yoga room, and all around 'she shed.' Olivia found herself relaxing immediately while she nursed a coffee. It took her a moment to remember that she was about to be filled in on all the blanks Elliot had left out.

"When Dad told me he was coming for the captain's funeral, I wasn't at all surprised." Maureen began. "But when he said he was looking forward to seeing you, I admit I grew concerned. Liv, he's missed you beyond words and he has been suffering ever since he left."

Olivia didn't interrupt to either give her opinion on the matter or ask any questions; she didn't want the girls sidetracked or defensive in any way.

"Yeah, it was rough at first. After the shooting, Dad was home, but it was like he wasn't there. Then we moved to Chicago and it was like New York never existed." Lizzie continued. "Mo stayed behind since she had just started teaching after the whirlwind wedding, don't look at me like that-you know it's true." She gave Maureen a knowing look as the eldest Stabler sighed and rolled her eyes. "Anyway, Dad started therapy and since he was home full time, Mom was able to take on more hours at the hospital. It was good because Dad was able to come to everything we did without issue. New school for me and Dickie, new sports, all that but it wasn't bad because we had both Mom _and_ Dad. Eli has never been disappointed to look out and not see his father watching or cheering." She didn't sound jealous or angry, just factual.

"We came to see Mo that first Christmas because Dad had some "business to attend to" but after that, she and Jack came to Chicago on the holidays." Kathleen picked up the story. 'When she had the twins, we still didn't come back because Mom didn't want anything to distract Dad or cause any sort of flashback whatever. No "living in the past." It wasn't until I got pregnant with Nathan that things changed. Mom started to cut back on her hours. She said since Dad had his full pension, Lizzie of course got a full ride and Dickie still had his heart set on the military, she didn't have to bust her ass at work anymore. She just looked so tired and slow. Eli was too big for her to pick up but it was like such an effort for her to keep up with him." The room had become quiet then. Olivia didn't dare breathe.

Maureen was the one to continue. "She thought she was overworked and going through menopause. Plus, with everything with Dad, she put herself on the back burner. By the time Dad convinced her to go to the doctor…. stage 4 ovarian cancer already metastasized to her lungs. She didn't want chemo. She didn't want to have us watch her go through that only to have it not make a shred of difference in the end. She died two months later. Two months from start to finish. That was just over three years ago."

Olivia didn't know what to say. There really wasn't anything _to_ say. By the time she went to fill the silence, Lizzie continued.

"Losing our mom was the absolute worst thing, but she didn't want us to be consumed by it. That's not the right words, I hope you understand. Mom and Dad were good again. They had date nights, spent every waking moment they could together with us. Even those last months, we were laughing and making good memories. Dad was with her until the very end which was as it should be. After all, they were each other's first everything."

"After the funeral and all, we were so afraid of losing Dad again." Kathleen recalled. "He locked himself in their room for days. Wouldn't eat. Wouldn't come out even if Eli asked him to. Mo called his therapist and the guy actually made an emergency house call! I didn't know that was still a thing! Anyway, I guess he made Dad realize that was not what Mom would've wanted. He had to be there for us. We had to be there for each other, and we were."

"Little Nathan's birth and the girls were a big part of that." Maureen continued. "I was able to spend that summer in Chicago and Jack flew out every other weekend. None of us wanted to disrupt our new home after everything so it's been Dad and Eli with the rest of us flitting in during breaks and holidays. This is Dad's first time back in New York. Other than that time they were separated, Dad's never been alone, and I hope he never has to be again. He has had at least one of us with him all the time, but I know having you back in his life will fill that terrible void." They all looked at Liv expectantly.

 _Back in his life?_ Is that what this is? Olivia honestly didn't think ahead of getting through today but what would it mean to have Elliot back after all these years? If not for Don's funeral, would he have even come back to New York? Before she could get too caught up in her thoughts and possibly cause herself to hyperventilate, she realized Maureen was waiting for a response.

"I'm sorry. I mean, that's not why I'm here—I mean, God this is not how I thought this day would end." Olivia floundered a bit while noticing all three girls had furrowed brows and questioning looks. "Thank you for sharing that with me girls. I'm not sure if your dad would have been so candid. I understand that you all have been through so much since the shooting, but so have I and so much has changed. I'm not exactly sure what you are all expecting."

The girls were quiet for a moment. "We're not _expecting_ anything Liv. We just thought that you'd want to know so you can have your best friend back. Ya know, pick up where you left off. What happens after that is up to the both of you." Lizzie replied as if it was the most obvious fact in the world. "How about…"

Olivia felt the sudden urge to run; if she didn't, she knew she would scream and that's not something she wanted to do. " _Pick up where they left off?"_ She didn't want to even think about where they left off. She's tried so hard to get past it, move forward and she didn't want to go back. She loved these girls and she knew the feeling was mutual and they only wanted happiness for Elliot and her, but it just all became too much in that moment. She stood abruptly. "It's late. I'm bound to sit in traffic at this time on a Saturday, so I'd better get going. Thank you so much for today, Maureen." Olivia was out the door before any of the Stabler girls realized she was leaving.

She was back in the basement getting Noah's bag when Elliot saw her. "Everything okay?"

She didn't realize Elliot was still in the basement with Eli, who was engrossed in an intense video game battle with his brother-in-law. She was hoping he'd be back outside or moved upstairs so she could gather Noah and head out easily. Things never were easy where Elliot was concerned though. "Yeah" she replied as she picked up Noah's sleeping form. "Just time to get this little guy home is all." She worked her way upstairs.

"Liv, we didn't mean to upset you" Kathleen announced from the doorway of the sunroom. Dammit. So close. All three girls looked pensive standing there, waiting.

"Upset? What happened? What did you ladies talk about that would upset Liv?" Elliot's voice was even but a bit louder and he gave his girls an intense stare.

"I'm not upset" Liv insisted. "I'm just tired and I have a long drive to get Noah home." The girls did absolutely nothing wrong and she didn't want Elliot to think otherwise.

"Then don't go tonight. You can stay here. There's plenty of room and you don't have to disturb him." He looked to his girls for confirmation and gestured around the house to indicate all the unoccupied space. With both Lizzie and Kathleen staying as well, the house was indeed crowded, but Elliot would never admit that. Olivia could have his room and he'd sleep in the bathtub if he had to.

"No, Elliot, I can't. Thank you for today. We had a great time. It was wonderful seeing you all again." Noah was dead weight in her arms and his bag was weighted down with all the extras she brought for today, but Liv was never so happy to have full arms. It prevented the extra-long goodbyes and hugs. She knew she wouldn't be able to handle anymore right now. She turned and walked briskly down the front steps straight to her car. Of course, Elliot was right behind her before she could grab the handle.

"Liv, what happened? Talk to me" he pleaded as he reached for her elbow. She couldn't let him touch her. She had to leave right now. She couldn't explain why but she knew if she didn't, tonight would end either in a screaming match or an emotional meltdown and she was unsure which of them she would choose. Probably both.

"Talk to you?" Oh, she unconsciously chose anger as she raised her voice just a bit but not loud enough to wake her sleeping bundle. "What happened to "we don't have to talk Liv?" "Just enjoy the girls Liv.'" She really didn't know what she was saying, but Noah began to stir and all she wanted to do was buckle him up and drive away but her fingers were fumbling, and she was very aware of Elliot's proximity behind her as she leaned over her son's car seat. She needed space. She needed time. She needed to process.

"Fuck Olivia! I'm trying here!"

"I've tried too Elliot. For 13 years I tried when you were right in front of me, and again for almost a year when you weren't. I'm done trying when it's convenient for you. I love you Elliot, and I know you love me too. We were partners, best friends who would kill and die for one another. And then…" Wait. No. What was she saying? She was falling over her words and couldn't straighten her thoughts. She shook her head and successfully made it to the driver's side and opened her door. "Good night, Elliot."

Elliot just stood there, dumbfounded as he watched her drive away. Today went better than he could have hoped. He watched her interact with his girls as if no time had passed and she treated his grandchildren as she would her own. And little Noah. The smile she had whenever she looked at him. She still had those seemingly unbreakable walls built up and she was more reserved than he remembered but that kid made the light shine in her eyes and she looked so peaceful when she let herself relax around him. Everyone enjoyed themselves so why was he watching her speed away after arguing? They were always arguing, that never changed. But why?

"What the fuck happened?" Elliot stormed towards the house where his girls were gathered by the staircase. "What did you talk about that made her run outta here?"

He listened as they recounted their conversation much the same way it happened: taking turns. He wasn't enlightened at all, but at least he wasn't ready to strangle someone. "It's okay girls; you didn't do or say anything wrong. I don't know what she's thinking. I used to be able to read her so well, but time and tide so they say. I'll call her in a bit to make sure she got home, maybe she'll have calmed down by then." Elliot went from excited but serene to exhausted and confused in a finger snap. "Thanks girls" he hugged and kissed each of his daughters as he made his way to his room. He knew getting her to let him back in would be challenging, she was always so stubborn. No more than him though and he was on a mission.

It was just after one in the morning by the time Olivia settled herself into bed. The drive from Long Island didn't take as long as she thought, but she had to admit that she really wasn't paying attention to time or traffic. She drove on autopilot, not cop autopilot, mommy autopilot. Noah didn't so much as sigh heavily. Running around outdoors all day, playing in the pool, and all the excitement knocked him out and for that Olivia was grateful. All she wanted to do was shut today away and sleep. Not the whole day because she really did enjoy herself, just the last part. She regretted not taking Noah home before he fell asleep. She's glad she got to know how Kathy died and the hell Elliot went through, but she was still angry that he shut her out and then everyone expected her to drop everything, forget the last six years, and what? Jump him? She just tried to clear her mind and was almost successful when she heard the familiar buzz of her cell. She didn't even bother to look; she knew it was Elliot checking on her, so she let it go to voicemail. However, it didn't matter how many years have passed, she was still Olivia Benson and she wouldn't let anyone worry for nothing.

She grabbed her phone and began typing. _Home and sleeping_. After hitting send, she rolled onto her other side and let exhaustion take over.

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	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Hump Day at the 1-6 was hectic. College boys working as camp counselors thought it would be a good idea to give their young campers an impromptu lesson on the birds and the bees with their female counterparts. Some of the girls were claiming rape while all of the children were traumatized in some way. Munch had stopped in to say a final goodbye to everyone and was roped into interviewing several of the boys. Liv was speaking to the children and was even considering asking Nick to come by while he was still in town. Fin, Rollins, and Carisi, hadn't had a chance to think of anything else for the past several hours and Liv thought that was a good thing. She thrived on her work and being busy was a great distraction from Elliot right now. He texted Sunday morning and every day since, but she hadn't answered. He was hoping they could get another chance to talk, but after the way her conversation with the girls went, Liv was reluctant to go there again.

Elliot's family means the world to him and it has always been Liv's goal to do everything in her power to help keep his family together. Countless times she covered for him at work so he would be able to attend a concert or sporting event. Often, she would just do both their paperwork so he could show his face at home every once in a while. She ran interference with his wife and his kids, and she never regretted it because family should always come first. Knowing Elliot was able to be with his family, with his wife, when he was needed most was beautiful, albeit sad. She used to wish that when he left Kathy the first time, that he had stayed away but then Eli wouldn't have been born and Liv didn't want to think about that, especially now.

"Ya know if I didn't love you so much, I'd already be home by now" Munch stated sarcastically as he entered her office.

"And miss an opportunity to emasculate some college boys? John, you know you miss this" she retorted with a knowing smile.

"Wanna grab a bite? It's not really a question since I know you haven't eaten today and I'm guessing food hasn't been a priority since Don's passing." He knew her so well.

Looking out at the emptying bullpen, Olivia had to admit that she was hungry, and she was going to jump at the opportunity to talk to John. "Sure. Let me check in with Lucy and get Fin to wrap things up here. It's good to delegate after all."

A half-hour later, she was sitting across from John at a hole in the wall diner that she and Elliot used to frequent on late nights. It was small and always noisy which made for great conversation cover, plus the food was really good for a greasy spoon. "So, John, how is non-retirement treating you?" John may have left the NYPD, but he never stopped working in law enforcement.

"Cold case suits me," he replied. "Hours are good, nothing is actually pressing, not like there's a deadline and most of the work has already been done. But I didn't ask you to eat with me just because I knew you were hungry Olivia. What happened after the funeral?" John was nothing if not straight to the point.

"Yeah, about that. Munch, how exactly did Elliot get my new address?" She knew John gave it to him and he knew she knew but at least he had the decency to look chagrined.

"I had to Liv. You're Benson, he's Stabler and you two were the best. The best team, the best friends and remember, I was there Liv. I promise I didn't know he would be at the funeral after not being there any other time, but he looked so hurt and confused and determined, I felt for the guy. He honestly has no clue about anything anymore so I'm not sure which rock he's been living under for the past six years. You are the only one he could talk to Olivia. No one else would have been able to give him what he was after. He needed you."

"He always did." Olivia understood. She knew none of her colleagues would ever divulge anything that happened with William Lewis to anyone, especially Elliot. No matter how well he may be controlling his temper, that would send him over the edge, and it wouldn't be fair to him or her. It is her story to tell, if she chose to tell it.

So after an over-dramatic sigh and eye roll, she sipped her iced tea and said, "It's okay, John. Actually, I'm glad." She felt the need to tell someone everything that happened since Elliot showed up at her door and she knew Munch was the perfect someone. He had been rooting for the two of them. Rooting wasn't the right word; betting on the two of them was more accurate.

John sat and listened as Olivia divulged everything that happened from the moment she left the cemetery to the moment she texted Elliot Saturday night. He was quiet for such a long time after she stopped speaking and the silence was beginning to make her uncomfortable. "John?"

"What are you going to do now? I mean, I'm assuming he's going to go back to Chicago soon, or at best, once the summer is over. Are you going to address that? What if he wants to stay or better yet, what if he wants you to go with him? You can retire with full now ya know Liv." John was voicing all the same questions Liv has been contemplating for days, only he was expecting an answer that she couldn't give him.

"I don't know John" she admitted as her plate suddenly became the most interesting thing in the world to look at.

Munch was looking at his longtime friend with empathy. He noticed her eyes took on a sheen but he also knew there was no way she would let any tears fall, at least not here and not over this conversation. "Olivia, having been married four times, I am the last person who should be giving advice on matters of love and partnerships, but you should at least talk to him. You'll know where you stand, where he stands, and have a clearer picture on how to proceed. Don't fall into your old patterns of silence and running— _stay and talk_!"

The house was finally quiet after a particularly busy day. Elliot loved his "Grandpa Duty". He had to drop Nathan at Kathleen's place after taking all the kids to the Central Park Zoo. Driving through Manhattan with three kids under the age of four and a nine-year-old is something he remembered vividly. All the typical "are we there yets" and "I'm hungry's" brought back such memories and Elliot was glad to be doing it all again with his grandchildren. But being back in Manhattan and not being able to see Liv, that brought him heartache. After baths and stories, the twins were in bed, Maureen and Jack retired to their room, Eli was watching a movie and Elliot was nursing a beer on the porch when his phone buzzed for an incoming text.

-I don't want to disturb the family, but do you have a minute to talk?

Even if he didn't, he would make the time. Instead of texting back, he dialed her number. She answered before the first ring was complete.

"Hi." It was so good to hear her voice. For six years he tried unsuccessfully to block her out but once she got up at Don's funeral and she spoke, he knew he could never get enough of it. Then of course for the last four days, silence. Just a simple _Hi_ was like much needed oxygen to his brain.

"Hey. Everything okay?"

"Yeah, just thinking. Elliot, what do you want?"

"What the hell?! You texted me Olivia, what do _you_ want?" Elliot couldn't help but get frustrated at her question, although he immediately regretted his outburst.

Olivia must have realized how that sounded to him because she immediately apologized. "I'm sorry, Elliot. That's not what I meant. It came out wrong. I…" he heard her sigh with frustration as well. "I…"

"Okay, Li, Olivia. Can I take you to dinner tomorrow? Whatever we say to each other always seems to go better in person."

"I can't go out to dinner with you Elliot." That was not the response he was hoping for, but he had to respect it. He told himself that he would defer to her in every way, but he wasn't going to go down this time without a fight. Just as he was about to respond, she continued. "Lucy isn't available to stay with Noah. Would you mind coming here? You can bring whatever takeout you want, just not pizza or those God-awful wrap things from the food cart you used to rave about."

"Wait, you're inviting me to dinner, and I have to bring the food?" Elliot smiled even though he knew she couldn't see but he couldn't help but tease.

"7:30. Goodnight Elliot"

"'Night Olivia" he said but he wasn't sure she heard before she hung up.

Olivia had just managed to get Noah bathed and into clean pajamas when her buzzer rang. She looked at the security camera and saw that Elliot was right on time. He must have been as anxious as she was, so she buzzed him up. She ran her fingers through her hair and looked down at herself. She was dressed in shorts and a larger t-shirt for Noah's nighttime rituals when time got away from her and she didn't have a chance to change. Well, it's Elliot after all so no reason to get all dolled up. Was there? Before she was able to form an answer to her rhetorical question or even worry about it, he knocked on her apartment door.

"I get it!" shouted Noah as he came running from the living room.

"Okay" said Liv, right behind her son. She lifted him up to look through the peephole.

"Ewiot!" he shouted with glee as he tried to unlock the chain and door locks. Between the two of them, Noah was able to throw open the door and welcome Elliot. "Hi! Come in. Wanna thee my toyth? Momma getting me new for my birfday next week! Come on!" he insisted as he took hold of Elliot's hand. Elliot meanwhile couldn't get a word in edgewise, but he laughed authentically and that brought a smile to Liv's face.

"I'm coming buddy" he exclaimed as he quickly followed Noah before getting his arm torn off. "Here" he handed Olivia the bags he was carrying as Noah led him into the living room.

She took the food, Chinese of course, and put in on the kitchen table. As her son marveled Elliot with talk of action figures and animals, Olivia took out plates and all that was necessary to enjoy dinner at home comfortably. "Noah, ten minutes until bedtime, remember?" she said while boring a hole into the back of her son's head with her eyes.

"Yeth, Momma. I memba. Ewiott, you come to my birfday? You can bring evybody if you want. We having cake!" Noah looked at Elliot expectantly.

Elliot, for his part, looked at Olivia. "Baby, Elliot just got here. We'll discuss your birthday plans later. Okay?" No sooner were the words out if her mouth than she finally locked eyes with Elliot. He had that shit-eating grin on his face that she hated so much and missed even more. "Let's clean up and find a book."

After the toys were put away and The Very Quiet Cricket was waiting, Noah said, "Good night Ewiot" and reached over for a hug, which was immediately and ferociously returned.

"Good night buddy. Ya know Olivia, I can help you put him down. I'm told I'm an excellent storyteller."

"No. No thanks, I got it. Why don't you pour some drinks and fill the plates? I won't be long." Olivia knew that wasn't the response he was hoping to get, but it was the only response she was willing to give. She had no idea where she stood or where she/they were headed, and she didn't want Noah to be heartbroken or emotionally harmed in any way by becoming attached.

It was taking forever for Olivia to come out of Noah' bedroom. Was she hiding from him? He had set the food on the plates on the table, but he was sure they would have to be microwaved to be eaten. He took the opportunity to get a real close look at Olivia's new apartment. He didn't recognize a single piece of furniture from the old place. She had several pictures of Noah and the squad (old and new) on display as well as one of Serena and oddly, in the back, one of Elliot and his family on Eli's first Christmas. He was engrossed in the photos when she finally came out.

"Sorry, took longer than usual to get him down. I don't usually have company during his bedtime." Liv explained as she automatically brought the plates to the kitchen. She put one in the microwave and waited, without turning around to face him. Elliot didn't say anything, just continued to examine the photos. Olivia then replaced one dish with the other and when she heard the beep, took both steaming plates to the table. "Come, it won't taste good if I have to nuke it twice."

Did 'not having company' mean she didn't date since having Noah or she didn't have guys over? Crap. It could mean that they came for a quickie and left before Noah even knew anyone was there. Elliot filed the question away for later review. He was probably overthinking is all, so he walked over to the table and sat. Silence hung heavy in the air as they stared at their plates and ate. He had to break the silence. "Noah's a great kid, Olivia. Nathan and the twins were just asking when he can come play again. I'd be happy to take him if Lucy couldn't watch him." He saw Olivia's head suddenly shoot up as she almost choked on her rice.

"NO!" she shouted. He was definitely confused.

"What, you don't trust me to take care of your son?" She had to be kidding. "Olivia, I…"

"No" she interrupted, her voice lowering. "Don't be stupid. It's not that I don't trust you to take care of my son, you ass. I just don't trust you!" She stood and walked into the kitchen, dumping the leftovers on her plate into the garbage and leaning against the sink. Gripping the edge with her eyes squeezed shut, she said so softly that he had to strain to hear, "I can't trust you Elliot."

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	7. Chapter 7

A/N: This is the last of the "old" version of the story. It went from 12 short, choppy chapters to 7 longer, what I feel are easy flowing ones.

Chapter 7

" _I can't trust you Elliot."_

Those words stung. He understood exactly what she meant. She could trust him to have her back in the field and protect her life. She could trust him to take care of her son, which to her was an even bigger responsibility. She just couldn't trust him with her heart. Her voice was so small and she looked like she was holding on for dear life, but he couldn't make a move. The food was forgotten; he was barely breathing, and he couldn't take his eyes off her back. It was like she pierced his heart with that little admission. They never came close to crossing any lines, but they knew they were more than best friends. The love they had for each other, although not romantic (at the time) couldn't be defined. Then he left. No goodbye, no explanation, no attempted communication for over 6 years. She paid the price and he suspected it was bigger than anyone was admitting to. He has no one to blame but himself.

"Okay." He had to clear his throat because those two syllables came out cracked and hoarse. "Okay, what can I do? Where do we go from here?" Elliot thought his heart actually stopped beating as he waited for her response. Olivia just stayed there, clutching the edge of the sink with her eyes shut. It looked like she was trying to regulate her breathing, but it could have been him. He was hyperaware of her feelings right now; at least he thought he was. He could no longer tell. "Liv?" To hell with using her full name. It's not who they were, not what they were about, and he wants that back. He assumed she did too. He was always willing to give her time, but he was no longer willing to stand at arm's length. This is personal.

She took another deep breath before tilting her head back to look at the ceiling. She opened her eyes and made sure she was not in danger of any rogue tears spilling out. She wasn't in the mood to cry, at least not yet. They hadn't gotten started. _Liv_. Their nicknames used to be special between them. His Liv and her El, but everyone calls her that now and it's just a lazy way to get her attention. Like saying four syllables is such a burden. No one says it the way Elliot does. When it comes from him, it takes on such a deeper meaning than just a shortened version of her name. So, she shakes her head and turns around. Now she clenches the sink from behind, almost as if it's holding her up.

"Where do we go? Where do you think we're going? I'm not going anywhere Elliot. My whole life is here, and I don't plan on disrupting Noah because you've decided you want to be a part of my life again."

Elliot had to remind himself to stay calm. He began practicing every technique he's learned not to jump to anger or sarcasm because Olivia is the one person that could always make him turn on a dime. "Well, I want to be with you, Liv. These past few years have been horrible; just pure hell and not just because of Kathy. It's because you weren't a part of it. I had my wife back, my kids, no stress of a job, and yet it was like I was only half full because you were missing. Now don't jump down my throat…" he interjected because Olivia took a breath about to interrupt him and he knew exactly what she was about to say. "…it was my fault. I abandoned you Liv. I didn't just leave, I _abandoned_ you and I could never make up for that. Sorry, apologies, assurances, begging…nothing can change it or take away the pain. Yes, Olivia, I know I caused you pain because I felt it to. Every. Fucking. Day." He paused, watching her reaction.

Olivia too was practicing all the techniques she's learned to channel her emotions. Pain? He knew nothing of her pain. Damn right it was all his fault. She would never blame him for shooting Jenna, and she could never fault him for being the husband and father he always wanted to be, but she did blame him for abandoning her. He hit that nail straight on the head. The look he was giving her right now alerted her to the fact that those words did not just stay in her head; they spilled right out of her mouth in a rush. Well, can't take them back so might as well put it all out there.

"Elliot." She blew out a deep breath between her lips as she closed her eyes to gather her thoughts. "Just…you say your life wasn't whole because I was missing, and I get that, in a way. What I don't get is, didn't you wonder? I mean, why? No, I mean…" She was shaking her head. Of course, now her thoughts were all jumbled in her head, refusing to come out in a coherent sentence.

Elliot stood before her, not too close, but easily within reach of her hands. This was meant to be a reassuring gesture; to let her know he was here now, paying attention, solely for her. But he had always been so intimidating. Olivia was never afraid of him. She was the only one capable of going toe to toe with an angry Stabler, yet she was still able to keep him grounded. Everyone knew it, even if he never admitted it out loud. So he was surprised when she looked like a mouse caught in the corner. She tensed up, ready to either bolt or attack. She looked, well, scared of him.

"Liv?" he asked tentatively. "Olivia, you okay?"

She took a couple of deep breaths in. That didn't work and all she could do was pant like a dog with her mouth closed. Ed was the only man she let get close in almost four years and it was only because she's known him for so long. He may have been an ass in the past, but she really got to know him as a gentle, loving soul. She never felt nervous around him; he was kinda dorky and she knew he deeply cared for her. Even when Joe held her and Luca's parents hostage in their townhouse, she didn't feel small or incapable. Yes, of course she flashed back to her time in captivity, but Joe wasn't much different than any other perp she's dealt with in the past two decades.

Now, not only was she confused, her emotions were all over the place. Somewhere in the back of her mind, in the deep recesses of her reasoning, she knew it was just Elliot standing before her and yes, it was torture when he left, but she knew he would never hurt her. Not physically, never on purpose. She just couldn't have him crowd her. She began to feel closed in.

"El..liot" she had to clear her throat as her voice came out as a cracked whisper. "Elliot, please sit down."

He was confused. He reached out to put his hands on her shoulders. That was a mistake as she nearly jumped into the sink. "Liv, what the..."

She held the last breath she took and looked into the ocean of his eyes. Her favorite color blue that would deepen or brighten depending on his emotions. They were not brown, full of hatred and depravity; however, both sets of eyes haunted her dreams. It was his eyes that brought her back. "Elliot, I need you to back up." To anyone else, she would have sounded strong, but no one knew her better and she knew that. He just looked befuddled. Any other time and his expression would have been comical, but Olivia was beyond humor. She was about to bolt and doing everything in her power to stay in the present in her mind, and physically here in her kitchen. Blue, not brown. "NOW!" That at least came out clear.

Elliot immediately retreated back to the table. "I'm sorry." He watched her try to control her breathing as she stood with her eyes squeezed so tight, she must have been seeing stars. This wasn't angry Liv or confused or worried Liv. This wasn't even post Sealview Liv. This was a Liv he didn't know. He may have had no idea what has happened with her, but he knew PTSD when he saw it. He put his hands flat on the table and sat all the way back in his seat. He spoke in an even tone. "Okay, Liv. I'm over here. Take your time." It has been a while since he put his victim skills into practice, but it was like riding a bike. And this was Liv, he would sit like this for weeks if necessary.

"Excuse me" she said as she made a bee line for the bathroom.

Olivia had been in the bathroom for about a half-hour and Elliot hadn't moved from the kitchen chair. He knew that by running into the bathroom, she wanted him to leave, but he also knew that she needed him to stay. What the hell was all that about? He had pretty much just laid himself all out there for her; to try make her understand. He was ready for her to be in his life more than ever before. They've loved each other for years which is the reason they worked so well together. No one could understand the bond they shared and during these last couple of weeks, he felt like that bond was still there. It needed some polishing, and even though he left, that bond has been unbreakable. Why couldn't she see that?

Wait. Maybe that's not it at all. She said as much the other day. The PTSD. What was it Munch said after the funeral? Something about not having internet or cable? It hit him then that he has been going about this the wrong way. A lot has happened to him since the shooting, but a lot has happened to Liv also. He's been taking everything at face value. She now runs the department. She has a newer, bigger place and Noah. Man, her life was all about Noah. But her reaction in the kitchen, now that was something else. He, they couldn't move forward if she couldn't get out of the past. What on earth had her stuck? He knew he shouldn't, that it was a complete invasion of privacy but walked over to the bathroom door and listened. He could hear the sink water running. So, he moved over to the couch, grabbed his phone, and googled Olivia's name.

Olivia finally got her breathing under control and no longer felt trapped. Elliot wasn't trying to corner her or be intimidating. He apparently had no clue what happened to her. He's never even heard of William Lewis. He was just trying to talk to her, to clear the air, to lay it all on the line. What does she do? Has a flashback to that first night in her apartment and hides in the bathroom. Yep, that shows progress. Dr. Lindstrom will have something to say about that.

She couldn't hear anything outside of the bathroom. She left her tablet on the coffee table so she couldn't see Noah, but he was big enough to look for her if he woke up for any reason. She left Elliot in the kitchen, but he should have gone home by now, figuring she was avoiding him. Waiting over an hour for her to come out of the bathroom was probably not on his list of things to do tonight. Well, freaking out was not on hers so they're even. Since she was now showered and the bathroom was cleaned, Olivia decided to curl up on the sofa, throw on some mindless television, and sort out her thoughts in a more comfortable spot. She walked towards the living room and froze.

"NYPD detective kidnapped by serial rapist. SVU officer turned victim."

"Self-defense or excessive force? Rapist William Lewis hospitalized, Detective Olivia Benson rescued after 4 days of possible torture."

"Convicted rapist escapes hospital. Kills nurse plus 2 others."

"Sergeant Olivia Benson under investigation for death of escaped rapist William Lewis."

"NYPD coverup? Lewis death suicide or cold-blooded murder?"

These were just the first five results that popped up on Elliot's screen. There were dozens more from various 'news' outlets. Holy fuck! He scrolled through the list, locating the first reputable source and began to read. One after another, Elliot was able to piece together the general story of not only Liv's four-day ordeal with William Lewis, but also the trial, his escape, and the time she was with him to save the kid. Alcohol, drugs, bearing witness to rape and murder, Russian roulette and Lord only knows what is not written in these stories. He knew Liv better than anybody and he knew that she never gave unnecessary details. This sickened him to no end because he knew, he _knew_ there was so much more that was left unreported. Four days? Another, what 10 or so hours she was with him on the way to and at the quarry? His partner was tough. She was stronger than some men and more than capable of defending herself and others, but even she had her limits. This guy was the sickest of perps; always finding loopholes and ways to beat the system. Even with all these stories, so much was left unsaid, but her eyes told a different story. Her eyes spoke volumes and the images on the screen...

How could they let this happen? Where was the squad as she was fighting for her life? Lewis NEVER should have been able to get anywhere near her, let alone hold her for days! Not once, but twice! When he was her partner...that's not fair. He doesn't know because he wasn't there. He. Wasn't. There. While Liv was going through her worst kind of hell, he was watching his wife suffer and die. He and Liv were always in sync, feeding off each other in so many ways, but he would have suffered years of pain to spare her a moment of this kind of torture. Elliot felt his blood run cold and his face turn red. He balled his left hand into a fist around the couch cushion and started to clench and unclench his jaw. He felt sick. Sicker than he ever felt in his life, even while holding Kathy's hand as she withered away. It was taking every ounce of concentration for him not to first hit something, then go bust down that bathroom door and beg her for forgiveness. He didn't hear her come up behind him.

Elliot was sitting on her couch, shaking. She could see the red of his neck from the hallway. He waited for her? Really? This was getting ridiculous. "Elliot" she began as she strode towards the couch; however, she didn't get to finish her sentence.

Elliot leaped off the couch like he was electrocuted. He dropped his phone and whipped around to face Olivia ready to say something when suddenly, he doubled over and puked on her floor. Mortified didn't begin to describe how he felt but he couldn't straighten up to look at her yet. He was unable to separate the images on the computer from the woman standing in front of him now.

Olivia for her part, jumped back. "Holy shit! Are you okay?" He looked like hell, but he was just fine when she went into the bathroom. The bathroom. "Elliot, come with me" she said as she reached for his shoulders to guide him around the vomit. The minute she touched him, he retched again, the rest of his dinner ending up on her laminate. Jesus Christ! Food poisoning maybe? She ate the same thing he did and felt fine. _Can't worry about that now_ , she thought. "Okay" she said as she jumped back with her hands in the air, bent at the elbows like she touched something hot.

He finally found his voice. "I'm sorry, Liv. I...I don't know what happened. "I'm sorry..."

She caught his eyes once again. "I'm a mother Elliot, vomit doesn't scare me" she joked to lighten the mood. "Can you make it to the bathroom?" He just nodded and disappeared down the short hall. Sighing and wondering what the hell happened, Olivia took to the task of cleaning her floor, hoping that when he came out of the bathroom, Elliot would leave. They both had enough embarrassment for one night. Hell, she'd pay for an Uber to take him to Long Island since he was in no condition to train it.

Once the floor was clean and the kitchen straightened out, she heard him brushing his teeth and smiled. He never did have a problem going through her stuff, so him rummaging through her cabinets for a spare toothbrush came as no surprise after all these years. Olivia sat on the couch to wait for him. She'd give him a few more minutes before going to check on him. When she went to pull her feet under her, she noticed his phone lying just under the couch, so naturally she picked it up. She must have hit a button when she touched it because images of her coming out of the beach house flashed on the screen. She hit the back button and found the reason he got sick. She never read the headlines or saw the photos and now, _she_ felt sick. Shit. She closed her eyes and waited.

-SVU—

Elliot wondered what was going through her head right now. He wasn't even sure what was going through his head at the moment, so he could only imagine. She would concentrate on him since he made a complete fool of himself, but he wasn't concerned. It's Liv after all; she's seen worse from him. He took a deep breath and opened the bathroom door. He immediately saw her sitting up on the sofa, but with her back towards him, he didn't get a feel from her. He walked around and sat, facing her. He knew by going into the bathroom she wanted him to leave but given that he lost his dinner on her floor, he would be forgiven and granted the opportunity to sit a bit. He made sure he was turned towards her since she was angled towards the middle of the couch.

"Are you okay?" She addressed him first, just like he knew she would. "Fever?"

"No, I'm fine, thanks. I'm sorry about that. I would have cleaned it up ya know."

"It's done, don't worry as long as you're okay." She cast her eyes down as if she knew why he stayed. He figured that she did but was never going to address the issue.

"Liv, were you going to tell me?" He tilted his head to try to catch her eyes, but she was deliberately looking down. "Don't do that, honey. It's just me." As soon as that sentence left his lips, he instantly regretted saying it. Well, he didn't really, but now was not the time. He couldn't gauge if she would be receptive to a term of endearment from him, after all this time but he already put it all out there. Short of saying _I'm in love with you Liv_ , he thought his feelings were obvious.

Olivia's head was still bowed down as he watched her open her mouth to either speak or take a breath. She did neither but repeated the gesture. He watched her do this several times, neither speaking nor breathing. From what he could see of her face, her eyes were wide, and her chest was rising and falling at an alarming rate.

"Breathe, Liv!" he inadvertently shouted. His outburst caused her to snap her head up and furrow her brows, but still no words came, and breathing was elusive. "I'm sorry. Just relax, we don't have to talk about anything you don't want to. Please, just catch your breath." He was practically pleading.

Olivia focused on Elliot's mouth and imitated his position. He found that she was mimicking his breathing, so he tried to slow it down and take deep breaths. It calmed him as well as regulated her. Not before long, they were in sync and she visibly relaxed.

"Sometimes, I still get lost" she said so softly that if he wasn't so close and attuned to her right now, he never would have heard her make a sound. He didn't move a muscle, just kept his breathing even with hers.

Finally, she met his gaze. "I tried to put it behind me the best I could. I have Noah now and a wonderful therapist whom I only see on occasion nowadays. I run the squad, and he's dead so why dwell?" She tried to sound so matter-of-fact and to anyone else, she would have. Anyone, but him. "The only thing missing was…you."

This last statement floored him. Those words held so much meaning. Elliot wondered if she called for him. Well he didn't have to wonder too hard because he already knew the answer. The guys said they were looking frantically for him which means that Liv needed him. This he already knew. He ran through a million scenarios in his head. Lewis raping her and she screaming out his name. Lewis forcing drugs and alcohol into her and she crying for him to come save her. She wondering where the fuck he was when Lewis targeted her again after the prison break. She must have felt so abandoned, so hurt, so…alone.

He reached out his hand and stroked her hair. He could tell the floodgates were about to burst and he was going to be there to keep her head above water this time. Olivia never cried in front of him. She sometimes got teary when she felt something was her fault, but never a full out cry. She would never make herself that vulnerable, even to him. He was ready for it. Just as he was about to wrap his arms around her…

"It's late, El. I think you should leave." This stopped him in his tracks. She indeed looked like she was on the verge of hysteria and her voice cracked on almost every word, but she didn't give in.

"You want me to leave?" he was dumbfounded. Why couldn't she understand that he was here for her? She didn't have to be strong. She was no longer alone, she never was.

"Yes" she replied as she stood up and walked towards the door. "I'm tired. Thanks for bringing dinner, Elliot." She dismissed him as she held open the door.

He wasn't going to push and risk alienating her, so he stood and walked towards the door. He leaned over to kiss her cheek and saw that she squeezed her eyes shut as he did so. He refused to believe she cringed because of him, but that she was trying to portray her stoicism and keep control.

"Goodnight Liv. We'll talk soon, I hope." And with those words and once last glance, he left.

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	8. Chapter 8

A/N: There are absolutely no excuses for my absence. Actually, I haven't been absent, just working on my other story, _My name is Serena_. It took on a life of its own and I was possessed, I swear, still am but I was able to break away for a little while to pay my first story a much-needed visit. This chapter is shorter because I need to get out of AU and back into the cannon mindset. From day one I knew where this story would end, so please bear with me while I get there!

Chapter 8

Four days have passed since Olivia walked Elliot to the door. True to his nature, he texted or called every day. He said he was giving her space, but just checking to make sure she was okay. And the apologies. Each message always ending with an "I'm sorry Liv. I didn't mean to upset you." She didn't blame him of course. He asked a simple question. Very reasonable. " _Were you going to tell me?"_ Honestly, she had no clue. It was never her intention to come right out and say, " _Hey El, while you were off taking care of your dying wife, I was being kidnapped and assaulted by a homicidal rapist."_ Somehow, it didn't fit into the flow of any conversation. If she were being honest with herself, she did blame him a little. She wanted him so badly during that time. Not necessarily as her knight in shining armor busting in to rescue her (she did a pretty damn good job of rescuing herself), but afterwards to make her feel safe. He always made her feel safe. Brian tried, he really did, but they both knew he didn't know the right thing to do or say. So yes, he should have been there. At least in spirit (she would never expect him to leave his wife). A phone call, video message. Just knowing he still cared (and that he would have killed Lewis himself) would have helped her cope tremendously.

Benson and Stabler were once a force to be reckoned with but when they were on the outs, no one was safe. The whole precinct, let alone the squad, knew they argued like no other pair. They knew how to cut deep and fight with no words. Still, they were there for each other and for the victims. Olivia now found herself falling into old habits. During the times they fought, she would turn inward and shut everyone out, not just Elliot. She would stare into space and tune out the world. That's what she was doing now. She couldn't focus on anything but him and that was not a good thing. It took the better part of a year for her to get through a day after he left and now, he sweeps back in and her life is once again in flux. This was exactly what she was trying to avoid. The whole world revolved around Elliot Stabler and his many moods.

She was brought out of her reverie by Fin. She didn't hear him knock or call her name several times. It took him standing directly in front of her, leaning down to catch her eyes in order for her to realize he was there.

"Liv? You still with me?" he asked.

"Yeah" she said sleepily. "Sorry". She shook her head and cleared her throat.

"Sorry, Fin. What's up?"

"Nah, I was just giving you the files on the Carson case, but you were nowhere to be reached. You okay?" Fin was never one to pry or offer advice, he just let her know he was there for support.

"Honestly Fin, I don't know." Her response shocked both of them. Fin never let her down and she knew he never would, but their communication was different than what she had with Elliot. It was more of anticipation, silence and acquiescence than discussion. She put her head in her hands and sighed.

"Yeah, I know." At this her head shot up so he explained. "Elliot called me. Actually, I think he called everyone just trying to check on you. He told Munch what happened and ya know that ol' partner of mine can't keep news to himself."

Figures. John wasn't about to back out now. He was going to keep sticking his nose in until Benson and Stabler…er…Olivia and Elliot were undisputedly together, or he was dead. Whichever came first and if it was the latter, she's pretty sure John would haunt them just because he could.

"Fin, do you remember a time when Elliot didn't manipulate things to get his way?" That old partner of hers would use his fists or his words (angrily or compassionately) to get the results he wanted. As Fin shook his head, Olivia's head began to clear. "Neither do I" she replied.

-SVU—

Next to her head, the phone was vibrating. Olivia didn't need to have a special ringtone to know who it was. Elliot was nothing if not determined. She let it go to the third ring before hitting the button and pressing the cell to her ear.

"Olivia, um, hi." He sounded as if he was caught completely off guard. She knew she shouldn't be surprised; after all, she had been ignoring his calls for almost a week.

"Olivia? Ya there?" She realized that she hadn't said a word, not even 'hello'.

"Elliot, why now?" She knew she sounded irritated, so she cleared her throat and started over. "Sorry, what I mean is if the Captain hadn't passed, would you have come to see me? Talk to me? Or would you have continued to live life with Eli in Chicago? That's perfectly fine of course, but you seem to expect so much more from me now and I'm wondering why not before?"

"I don't expect anything from you Olivia, I just want my partner back-not partner like before but remember? Partners for life? Life got in the way for a while, and it's time we get back to that. Would I have come if it wasn't for Don's funeral...honestly, I don't know but now that I'm here I know that I can't go back to not having you be a part of me." He was trying to be as honest as he could while making sure she couldn't misinterpret anything. The attempt was futile since she was Olivia and she always tended to overthink everything.

That's exactly what she was doing. _Part of me? He didn't say a part of my life, he said a part of me. What does that even mean?_ "So what happens once summer is over?" This is what was really bothering her. That conversation with Munch has been playing on repeat in her head.

"What do you mean? What's supposed to happen?" Now he was confused.

"Well, you live in Chicago Elliot. Are you going to give that up and move back here?" _Dear God, what will I say if he says yes?_

"I can't believe you're asking me that. Will you leave New York? You can retire you know." He was getting irritated. This is why they don't do the talking thing.

"No, Elliot" she responded sounding sad. "I can't. I won't." She paused and the line was silent on both ends. "It was wonderful seeing you again Elliot. Enjoy the rest of the summer with your grandkids." She was just about to hang up when he interrupted.

"Fuck that! Olivia, we need to talk. We have two months to decide. Why don't we make the most of it and then, we can calmly work things out." He wasn't going to give up without a fight. He did that before and he wasn't going to do it again.

"I knew it" she said. "You do not get to do this to me." She sounded like she was holding back tears. "I won't allow you to. "Make the most of two months?" So, I open up my life, my home, my...heart"... she struggled on that last word… "For what? So that when autumn begins, I fall with the leaves? You've already picked up and left Elliot, but I won't. It's not like before, I have too much to lose. You can't come and go when it's convenient and expect me to tag along so no, we won't be talking. I'm asking you to do what you did before but I know you won't so I will block your number, post an armed guard outside my apartment and you will be turned away if you come to the precinct. I need to protect myself. I will NOT be hurt again, and my son will never know the kind of heartache I felt because he will not get attached. I won't live my life up in the air Elliot. I will, however, do what you never did. I will say goodbye." And with that, she did hang up.

Elliot called her name several times, not believing that she hung up on him after what the kids would call 'kicking him to the curb.' He gave her no reason to do that. He came back, explained everything, poured his heart out, had her over to spend time with his family. How could she just give up like that? He threw his phone against the wall and watched as it fell to the floor in pieces.

"Dad?" came a voice from upstairs. "Everything alright?"

No, everything was not alright. Everything was a giant clusterfuck. "Fine baby. Sorry, I dropped my phone."

"Against the wall?" He didn't hear Maureen come down the stairs to check. She saw the state her father was in and knew that the only one who could make him that way was Olivia. "Did you two have another fight?"

Elliot had to take several deep breaths to steady himself. "She's not fighting me, that I could deal with. She just shut me out, completely. She said goodbye, not to call or visit." He scrubbed his hands down his face, but he was shaking all over.

"Why? I don't understand?" Maureen questioned.

"She just said she can't, she won't. That's all." He was heading for a breakdown, but Maureen was always nothing but honest with him.

"Can you blame her? You left her dad. You didn't say goodbye, no explanation, you just left. Then you show up out of thin air and expect everything to fall into your fantasy. She's hurt dad. She feels betrayed, confused. She loves you. It's been obvious for a long time. Maybe not _always_ relationship love, but even Mom knew. And she wasn't just hurt by you, but by all of us. I mean, we all just cut her out and she was always so good to us. Her heart must have been crushed and she can't trust anything right now. We all feel terrible Dad, but the only one who really matters is you."

"Look where me leaving got her! She was kidnapped Maureen. Tortured and God knows what else wasn't reported not once, but twice! Sure as shit if I stayed that wouldn't have happened. She had to get through that by herself. How am I supposed to just walk away or let her walk away from me?" He was straining to keep his voice down, but his neck was red, his veins were popping, and his fists were clenched.

"Dad, I love you, but you have to stop. You know you don't "let" Olivia do anything. Her choices are her own and she has her own reasons for making them. Whatever horrors she's endured, she's made it through on her own and it's made her stronger. She's a lieutenant now. A female in charge of the most elite unit in the NYPD and she's a mom to a boy who was born with deficiencies and now look at him. Look at them both. Dad, I know it's hard to hear but you had nothing to do with any of that. Who's to say that any of it would've happened if you stayed. You want to do something for her Dad, to show her what she means to you, then give her space. Let her go and that old saying might prove true in the end."

Elliot was floored at his daughter's assessment of the situation. "What is it a females unite kind of thing?" Maureen rolled her eyes, shook her head and kissed him goodnight once again, leaving him alone with his thoughts.


End file.
